By Ric Hess

(With apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)

Hear the grumbling of the Zell
Samuel Zell
What a world of bad news
His ascendency foretells -
He’s leveraged our tomorrows
With all the cash he borrowed
Now the Cubbies are for sale
And we hear the manic wail
Of the men whose reason fails
When they jump to do the bidding of the
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
As they kiss up to the backside of the Zell

Watch him build a Jumbotron,
Samuel Zell
As he puts the Walmart logo
On the bleachers where we all go
For some beer and friendly banter
He’s the man who’d sell his mother
Or his sister or his brother
For some trinket or another
That would further line the pockets of the
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
That would bring another billion to the Zell

And what else becomes of Wrigley with the Zell?
Who will be the landlord
Of our beautiful green scoreboard
When fireworks shoot up into space
And Best Buy owns first base
With a clubhouse by Bill Gates
And a Cubbie’s pennant race
Brought to us by Sony
Or Oscar Mayer Baloney
And a perky Bud Beer pony
Who will trot around the basepaths owned by
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
Why he’ll even sell the horseshit, that’s the Zell

Oh what will be the ending for the Zell?
What will be the story that the future holds to tell?
When he’s mortgaged every inch
And he finds he’s in a pinch -
He’ll say, “Been nice to know ya”
Move the Cubs to Arizona
Take the corner that we all know
Build the Wrigley Field Condos
Then a keening funeral knell
Will replace the magic spell
When the Cubs are forced to sell;
Do you smell that sulfur smell?
He has to dance a little faster
For the man he calls his master,
You’ve earned a special place in hell
Samuel Zell, Samuel Zell,
Keep your mitts off Wrigley Field
Samuel Zell

Ric Hess, 2008
All Rights Reserved

Ric Hess is a recent graduate of the Columbia College Fiction Department and is the co-owner of Sheffield's, an historic Chicago institution which has was bestowed this status purely at the whims of the owner and staff. Hess, who is at work on his first novel, Opening Day, set against the backdrop of Wrigley Field, will read his work at El Jardin on May 7 as part of the next Lovable Losers Literary Revue.

By Sid Yiddish

This poem was previously published on bardball.com.

Wrigley Troughs by Will ByingtonMiddle of the eighth,
Dad’s hands are wet, but not from sweat
He’s just returned from the toilet near the souvenir stand in the middle of Wrigley Field, with a wet scorecard and he says, “Guess who I met in the bathroom, son? Your hero, Ernie Banks!”

Me: eyes wide open, gulping breath and asking, “Really?”

Sure enough, Dad shows me the program with Ernie Banks’ signature, that looks a little like Dad’s own handwriting, but then again as a young boy aged seven and a half in that late summer of 1969 when the Chicago Cubs were in first place, you wouldn’t seem to have cared where it came from, just as long as you could impress your playmates that you lucked out in getting Mister Cub’s autograph and you’d be the envy of every kid on the block.

As the years passed and I grew up, Dad’s story changed again and again; different inning and different Wrigley Field bathroom locale, but always Mister Cub’s autograph was there.

Never lie to a child, I’ve heard some say, but my Dad did, so do I blame him that he wanted to please me, after I got crushed in the great onslaught of autograph seekers near the Cubs dugout and came back to the box seats with the saddest of faces?

Yes, I do.

He could have at least stuck to the same story.

Guest Loser Sid Yiddish is the Chicago Coordinator of the Bathroom Poetry Project (http://bathroompoet.net/Chicago%20Bios.htm). He will read this poem and several other performance art pieces on May 7 at El Jardin as part of the next Lovable Losers Literary Revue.

By Dave Hoekstra
An original prose poem on Cubs events on or around April 9
For the Loveable Losers Literary Revue

'Twas the 9th of April in '83 was when Dickie Noles spoke to me
The Cubs lost 8-4 in Cincinatteeeeeee
After the game there was a tavern brawl and Dickie took the fall
Charged with assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
My sentence with the Cubs.

'Twas the 9th of April in '91, Danny Jackson at Wrigley
Who could forget?
The Cardinals scored 3 runs off DJ in the 8th
I lost a bet
42 degrees on a cloudy, dark day, I couldn't find my way.
My sentence with the Cubs.

Ah, but there was April 9 of '69
Billy Williams hit four straight doubles to tie a major league record
And the Cubs scored 7 runs in the 7th to beat the Phillies
Good luck would come, don¹t be silly.
My sentence with the Cubs.
On the 9th of April in '81, Ken Reitz made his Cubs debut.
He went 3 for 3 and excited me.
But Lee Mazzilli hit a two run home run off of Big Daddeee
So Mets beat the Cubs 2-0 in the first year the Cubs were on cable.
Was that the year Ray's Bleachers took out the pool table?
My sentence with the Cubs.

But sweet revenge came through on April 9 of '82
In the home opener Fergie appeared in his first Cubs game since '73
Cubs beat the Mets 5-0, but the goat had been set free.
Sam Sinais took a goat around the field to reverse the curse
Is there anything worse?
My sentence with the Cubs.

OKAY, it was April 8 in 1960 ----the Cubs traded Ron Perranoski to L.A.
For Don Zimmer, a dude who played the game the right way.
Zim moved to 2nd for a rookie named Santo. Oh-NO!
In his first at bat as a Cub, a home run was hit by Zimmer.
HEY HEY! There was a glimmer.
My sentence with the Cubs.

'Twas 4/9/99 when a pinch homer was hit by Glenallan Hill.
Though the Cubs lost, he gave the Pittsburgh crowd a thrill.
He set a season record with four pinch fighters.
Despite the fact the big guy was afraid of spiders.
My sentence with the Cubs.

April 9 of '74, day after Hank Aaron hit 715
Bill Bonham was starting, got to Wrigley at 1:15
Home opener Bonham beat the Phils 2 to zero
Cubs went on to lose 96 games without a hero.
Unless you count Oscar Zamora.
My sentence with the Cubs

On the 7th of April in 1933 prohibiition ended
It became much more difficult to see.
Hack Wilson left the Cubs in 1932
And by 1934 his career was through.
Lets have a beer.

My sentence with the Cubs.

Dave Hoekstra is a consummate Chicago guy, keeping up this town’s fine journalistic tradition for the past 23 years, and every bit the equal of the great ones hanging in the unofficial Hall of Fame at the original Billy Goat. He writes honestly and respectfully, and with great humor, about this town’s cultural life, from music to travel to Our Cubs. The best of his travel columns have been collected in a wonderful book called, "Ticket To Everywhere"; he is a witty and insightful contributor to "The Unofficial Guide To Chicago"; he also authored, "Farm Aid: A Song For America". Most importantly, he has been in the stands for 36 straight Home Openers running, and is a key witness to all that has gone wrong for so long.