By Dave Studeman

I’ve never been one to put much stock in the Billy Goat Curse of the Chicago Cubs. I’ve lived in Chicago over twenty years, and I never heard of it until the Cubs made the playoffs in 2003. It was just an odd, historical footnote to the Cubs’ past. I personally think the story was pounced on by the media, as a way to compare and contrast the Cubs with the Red Sox, but it has never really held much currency for true Cubs’ fans. It’s not truly primal in nature. It doesn’t cause a shudder, nor speak to our dark nature. It’s a second-rate curse.

Print by W.O. Mull, ca. 1872 I have a better curse in mind—one that the media totally missed. The Curse of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.

The National Association of Base Ball Players was the very first professional baseball league, formed after the Cincinnati Red Stockings made it clear that professional baseball would be a big hit with the fans. The first ten teams were the Philadelphia Athletics, the Washington Olympics, the Washington Nationals (TWO teams in DC!), the New York Mutuals, the Cleveland Forest Citys (an odd oxymoron), the Fort Wayne Kekiongas (no clue), the Troy Haymakers, the Rockford Forest Citys (two teams with the same nickname? And what did it mean?), the Boston Red Stockings and the Chicago White Stockings.

Suffice to say that the Chicago team, called the White Stockings, was actually the original manifestation of today’s Cubs. The granddaddy of our lovable, Sosa-less losers. They would later be known as the Colts and the Orphans (after Cap Anson was fired)—the name Cubs would not be given to them until 1902. But the curse that would cause so much future rue was inflicted that very first year.

The NA teams played many other teams, not just those in the NA, but it was only the NA games that counted in the standings. The goal was for each team to play every other team in the league five times, but that didn’t work out. Still, they played the season as much as possible, and each team was supposed to finish its schedule by November 1st (remember that the next time you think the current postseason goes on for too long), at which time the first professional league baseball champion would be crowned.

A close race developed between Philadelphia, Boston and Chicago. In fact, the Chicago team was in the lead on October 17, 1871, the day the city caught fire. I won’t go into all the details of the Chicago fire, but it almost literally wiped the city out. The fire spread so fast that people couldn’t outrun it. Some intrepid folks jumped into open graves in Lincoln Park in order to let the fire pass over them. And the White Stockings’ ballpark, uniforms and equipment did not survive. They may have been buried with the other ashes that formed the landfill now known as Streeterville, by the Magnificent Mile.

The team had to play their final games on the road. Without a home, certainly demoralized by the devastation at home, they lost every game and the pennant to the Athletics.

It was two years before the White Stockings were able to play in the National Association again. Their final years in the NA were lackluster, though they did go on to be perhaps the key founding club of the National League in 1876, and they had some great teams over the next two or three decades.

But the die was cast. The scourge had been revealed. Temporary successes couldn’t suppress the formidable power of the Chicago Fire. It’s time to acknowledge the origin of the Cubs’ true curse.

Dave Studeman and Pete Simpson are the creators of the Baseball Graphs website, which features historic and historical baseball graphs and Win Shares research. Dave is also a regular contributor to Heater, a PDF fantasy magazine for the digital age. Dave lives in the greater Chicagoland area.

THE CLEANING LADYS have been playing music to laugh by for three decades. These guys have always been on the leading edge of political incorrectness and music video production with songs like Give Up On My Girl, TRASH TV, CREATURES FROM OUTER SPACE AND SHE WON’T FRENCH KISS, which have won a slew of international awards. I’ve heard front man John Anderson called a creative genius--and that was behind his back. THE BAND’S pop lyrics are catchy, amusing and smart, and though their primary effect is to entertain they also offer insight into our too-often dysfunctional culture. John and band mates Art Collins and Scott Brewer started out together all those years ago at Northwestern University and now, more than 1,100 original songs later, far removed from the back of the classroom, are bigger smart asses than ever.

No political, cultural or civic institution has seemingly escaped the satirical brush of The Cleaning Ladys, and so why should Our Chicago Cubs be any different?

“When the Cubs win the World Series—Ryne Sandberg will be dead.

When the Cubs win the World Series—humans will have two heads.”

Typically we end our monthly live Revues with a prayer. For our August Revue,we altered things a bit and asked The Cleaning Ladys to do a gospel rendition of that classic futuristic song, "When The Cubs Win The World Series." Well, you never know what you're going to get when you're live and unrehearsed. So we shouldn't have been surprised when gospel turned punk and an ironing board went flying. Check out the video and see for yourself.

When the Cubs Win the World Series: Punk Gospel Rendition from Randy Richardson on Vimeo.

The Lovable Losers Literary Revue, a hootenanny of Chicago writers, musicians, film makers, actors and bums, will celebrate and mourn the Cubs' long losing streak. The evening will begin with a toast and end with a prayer, and in between there will be literary readings, historical reenactments, trivia contests, singing, sacrifices and general rooting.

Don Evans, the impresario behind the Lovable Losers Literary Revue, described it that way back in April, when the Cubs began their season. The monthly Revue launched that month as a way to commemorate the Cubs' 100th anniversary without a World Series championship.

Each of the Revues has been fun in its own unique way and each has had its moments. But it took until Tuesday, August 5, five months into the project, for it to completely fulfill the promise of those words Evans wrote to describe it back in April. It was all there, minus the sacrifices (wait 'til September), from the gritty, profanity-laced words of author Don De Grazia to the campy Cub fan musical parody of "Please Stop Believing" (sung to the tune of Journey's power ballad "Don't Stop Believing") by the cast of pH Production's sketch comedy "100…Years of Losing." There was even an ironing board hurled by the frontman for the iconic pop band The Cleaning Ladys, at the end of its gospel punk rendition of the futuristic gem, "When the Cubs Win the World Series."

These Revues are unrehearsed, so you never know exactly what you're going to get. And that's a big part of what makes them charmingly entertaining. No more did that prove true than when Cubs.com reporter Carrie Muskat was paired with Dave Cihla, inventor of the "Shawon-0-Meter," the makeshift placard that kept track of the batting average of ex-Cub Shawon Dunston back in the late eighties and nineties. Muskat was to read a brief excerpt of her interview with the rifle-armed shortstop from her book, "Banks to Sandberg to Grace," while Cihla was to provide some color for the story. Spontaneous hilarity ensued when Cihla dug back nearly 20 years to summon his late-eighties aura and rooted like it was 1989. Muskat may never come out of the press box again.

Enjoy a laugh on us!

Attack of the Shawon-0-Meter from Randy Richardson on Vimeo.

By Dave Cihla

June 5, 2009, will mark the 20th anniversary of the Shawon-O-Meter. It seems like only yesterday. But the VHS cassette tape I've retrieved from the attic serves as a reminder of just how long ago it was. The video quality has dulled with age but you see enough to take you back to a different time. The big permed hairdos and the pink Izod shirts - some of the trademark looks of the eighties - are on display in the stands and in the broadcast booth.

Shawon Dunston and Dave CihlaWe first raised the Shawon-O-Meter in the left field bleachers of Wrigley Field, in a game against the New York Mets. The makeshift placard displayed the batting average of the Cubs shortstop, the rifle-armed Shawon Dunston, followed by the words "And rising!!!"

The Shawon-O-Meter followed Shawon through the nineties, as Shawon was traded to San Francisco in 1995 and then back to the Cubs for the 1996 season. His last season was 2002 with the Giants. We brought the Shawon-O-Meter to several games at Wrigley when Shawon was on opposing teams, usually to the grumblings of a few Cub fans.

There were so many great memories from these years, but one that stands out for me came in that same year the Shawon-0-Meter made its debut. It was at the end of that season, in the San Francisco Airport, during the 1989 National League Championship Series between the Cubs and the San Francisco Giants. Rick Reuschel, the big righty who had starred for the Cubs in the seventies and early eighties, was in the twilight of his career and pitching now for the other side. The ex-farmboy was walking through the concourse with a beautiful blond by his side when I approached him. Just a day earlier, the Cubs pummeled him in Game 2 of the NLCS, scoring five earned runs and chasing him off the mound before he could finish the first inning. It would have been understandable if he'd blown me off, but he didn't. Upon noticing the “Shawon-O-Meter” tucked under my arm, he asked, “Is that the Shawon-O-Meter?" I confirmed that it was, indeed, the real Shawon-O-Meter and he went on to ask me how I'd gotten out to San Francisco and if the Cubs had picked up the tab (they hadn't).

The more we talked the more it became apparent that Rick Reuschel was still a Cub at heart, if not in uniform. He knew our day would come, but not this year. He would go on to pitch and notch the win in Game 5 of the NLCS allowing no earned runs in eight innings pitched, sending the Giants to the World Series. It has taken almost twenty years and lots of heartache but I can’t help but think, Good for him.

Original versions of the Shawon-O-Meter are stored in the archives of the Smithsonian Institution, Baseball Hall of Fame and Chicago History Museum.

Dave Cihla, the inspiration behind the "Shawon-0-Meter," will be on hand for the Lovable Losers Literary Revue on Tuesday, August 5, 7:30 p.m., at El Jardin Restaurant, 3335 N. Clark St., Chicago.

Written and performed by The Cleaning Ladys

Published by Land O Ladys Music (BMI) Copyright 1997

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In the future far away

We will live in outer space

There will be a cure for cancer

There will be one race

When the Cubs win the World Series – Ryne Sandberg will be dead

When the Cubs win the World Series – humans will have two heads

Harry Caray’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son

Will do the play-by-play

Every single country in the galaxy

Will throw their guns away

When the Cubs win the World Series – Mark Grace will be long gone

When the Cubs win the World Series – Lee Smith will still be going strong

Pitching, hitting, fielding, running

Everything will click

The Bleacher Bums have twenty thumbs

They’re mutants from the sticks

We’ll have a celebration at

The place the team calls home

At Addison and Sheffield

Inside the Wrigley Dome

When the Cubs win the World Series – on pay 3-D TV

When the Cubs win the World Series – wait till next century

When the Cubs, when the Cubs, when the Cubs

Win the World Series

The Cleaning Ladys will do their rendition of their futuristic gem, When The Cubs Win The World Series, as part of several short sets during the Tuesday, August 5 Lovable Losers Literary Revue at El Jardin Restaurant, 3335 N. Clark St., Chicago. Lead singer John Anderson, who has fronted the band since its inception in 1976, also edited The Super Bowl Shuffle video. Anderson, bass guitarist Scott Brewer, lead guitarist Art Collins, and drummer Daniel T. Stix will play songs from their many CDs, including the 24-song career retrospective entitled Split Personality.