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Post-Season Survival Guide for Cubs Fans

By Randy Richardson

So you're a long-suffering Chicago Cubs fan and you're wondering how to properly gear up for the Cubs' post-season quest to win their first World Series in a century. Well, then, my Post-Season Survival Guide for Cubs Fans is just what the doctor ordered.

Here are some simple precautionary steps that you can take to help you get through the post-season.

1. Stock up on aspirin. If history is any guide, the Cubs are sure to give you a few aches, mostly from pounding your fists on the TV and your head against the wall.

2. Stock up on duct tape. If you've got young children in the house, you'll need it to muzzle your mouth and protect the inadvertent profanity from slipping out and damaging innocent ears. Even if you don't have young children, you'll need it to tape your wrists together and prevent yourself from throwing objects that might damage your new Plasma or LCD.

3. Stock up on Kleenex. You'll need it for all the tears you're sure to spill.

4. Stock up on beer. You'll need it to drown your sorrows.

5. Put your therapist's number on speed dial.

6. Steer clear of all goats, black cats and bespectacled, headphone-wearing fans.

7. Bet all your money ON THE OTHER TEAM.

8. And finally, don't ever – EVER – start to believe that this is THE YEAR. Because, rest assured, the moment you do, next year will staring you in the face.

Randy Richardson, author of Wrigleyville murder-mystery Lost In The Ivy, is a Regular Loser. He is a frequent contributor to Chicago Parent magazine and his work has recently been anthologized in Chicken Soup for the Father and Son Soul and Humor for the Boomer's Heart. He serves as president of the Chicago Writers Association.

Posted on Sunday, September 28, 2008 at 09:50PM by Registered CommenterLovable Losers Literary Revue | Comments28 Comments

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