By Donald G. Evans

This is no time to be satisfied. Our Cubs, it is true, have the best record in the National League. Our Cubs, yes, rank among the top two teams in both offense and pitching. Our Cubs, I will admit, have beaten top challengers like the Brewers and Cardinals.

But haven’t we learned anything from the past 100 years?

It’s not just about being good; it’s about being…not cursed.

Mike Royko famously wrote about the Ex-Cubs factor, which is that any roster with at least three former Chicago Cubs players does not win the World Series. This theory has been amazingly accurate over the years. Having too many ex-Cubs players, then, qualifies as a curse—on the opposition.

Everybody rolls out the curses for us, so why shouldn’t we do the same?

It’s past trade deadline, but players clear waivers and get dealt all the time. Greg Maddux, for example, just went to the Dodgers (thank you!). Let’s see what we can do.

We need concern ourselves, as I see it, with 12 teams: seven in the National League and five in the American League.

We’ll start with the NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL, our division:

MILWAUKEE BREWERS: Jason Kendall and Julian Tavarez give the Brew Crew two ex-Cubs; one more and we send our Rivals To The North south for an early vacation. Left fielder Ryan Braun, their top slugger, has a ribcage problem. Russell Branyon, a third baseman with 12 home runs, is on the shelf. Milwaukee might just panic, and we’ll throw them a bone: minor league star Micah Hoffpauir for a few prospects. I know, I know, you love Hoffpauir: he’s done tremendous with his few opportunities at the big-league level, blasted four dingers in a minor league game just last week, and is a future star. So what? You’re thinking conventional, when you should be thinking curses. Let’s wipe Milwaukee out of the race.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: Don’t think the Cardinals aren’t playing the other side of this game. Cesar Izturis, Todd Wellemeyer and Matt Clement gave the Redbirds the requisite three. Then Clement got cut. The Cardinals will cite corporate doublespeak about Clement being hurt since spring training, his four and a half ERA in minor league rehab stints, a crowded rotation—the usual. But we know what’s at work here. I’d suggest a Ronnie Cedeno or Bobby Howry, but St. Louis would never go for that. Not wily enough. The Cardinals need a closer, bad—Jason Isringhausen’s season and perhaps career is over. Tony LaRussa knows he can’t do anything as long as the Cards keep losing the close ones, and, guess what? Kerry Wood for Jason Isringhausen, straight up. Don’t give me any sass about 20 strikeouts, Kid K, True Cubbie Who Wanted To Pitch For Free, Having A Comeback Season, blah, blah, blah. We present it as, “Hey, we’re worried about Kerry’s health and we think Isringhausen fits into our 2010 plans, what do you say?” They’ll be laughing right until they’re not.

Now that we’ve dispensed of our division rivals, and possibly a wild card opponent, we need to take out the NL EAST powerhouses.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: A lot of us liked Scotty Eyre and thought Lou Piniella was a little harsh on him. Well, maybe Jim Hendry and Lou wanted a little insurance. Jamie Moyer, Tom Gordon and Les Walrond, who pitched in 10 games for the 2006 Cubs, give Philadelphia its three. But let’s say Les Walrond gets demoted, which, judging solely by his name, is a strong possibility: they’re still stuck with three.

NEW YORK METS: Moises Alou, Angel Pagan—we’re one short. Let’s not dick around: 1969 was just yesterday and New York’s still breathing all our oxygen. Let’s fit this team with an ex-Cubs curse, and fit them good. The Mets need that second ace behind Johan Santana to give them two playoff studs—we give up Carlos Zambrano and take, I don’t know, Brady Clark. We’ll let on that Zambrano is costing the team a fortune in broken bats and caffeine and the new owners want to cut costs. They’ll think that we think Zambrano has finally gone over the edge, and they’ll do this quick because, hey, guys go over the edge all the time and still throw 95. Hah! Kiss our World Series rings, you fools!

FLORIDA MARLINS: This team is DONE. They’ve got Cubs farm product Renyel Pinto, Ricky Nolasco, Luis Gonzalez, and for good measure Sergio Mitre is on the DL. Even after they got rid of Jaques Jones, we’ve still got one to spare over there.

The two contending NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST teams are barely keeping their heads above .500, but any team that makes the playoffs—and one of these two teams WILL make the playoffs—is a problem. A problem to be dealt with.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: Again, we’re one short. Juan Cruz and Augie Ojeda can’t do this alone, but they can with…Geovany Soto. We whisper in Arizona’s ear how Soto is tearing up the clubhouse; just between us, he has to go to preserve chemistry. Arizona will do their due diligence, figure out there’s nothing to it, and then, when all we ask in return in little-used relief pitcher Billy Buckner (“we don’t even know if he’s related, but we’ll take our chances”), they’ll jump all over it. Say all you want about a short series with Cy Young winners Brandon Webb and Randy Johnson, along with Dan Haren, but wait until the D-Backs run into this buzz saw!!!

LOS ANGELES DODGERS: You’d think we’d done plenty here, unloading Nomar Garciaparra and Juan Piere—two old guys cashing zillion dollar checks between soft bloopers and trips to the trainer’s table—but a rule’s a rule and so we needed Maddux to complete the curse. I don’t know how we swung this but this just goes to show: 2008 is Our Year.

The AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST is a challenge for us, even if you take the Yankees out of contention.

TAMPA BAY RAYS: Castoff Cliff Floyd gives the East leaders a solid one, and Eric Hinske was drafted by the Cubs in the 17^th round of the 1998 draft. But Hinske never wore a Cubs uniform, and Royko’s dead, so I’m not sure how to call this one. Tampa needs a third baseman to replace superstar rookie Evan Longoria, and Willy Aybar’s .250 average isn’t going to cut it when the Red Sox are breathing down your neck. They take Aramis Ramirez—DeRosa will be fine over there—and we get a good Triple A fuck.

BOSTON RED SOX: David Aardsma—that’s it. Boston has to be our most serious problem, since we need to strap them with two more ex-Cubs and, basically, they don’t need anything. If anything, Boston’s pitching is a little weak. We dangle Ryan Dempster, and when the Red Sox brass gets tough we throw in Carlos Marmol. In return….who cares, right? The Red Sox and their three ex-Cubs will be baked like so many Boston beans.

Let’s not forget the AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX: We do NOT want to miss the White Sox with the Ex-Cubs Curse. This is a disaster waiting to happen, our Cross-Town Rivals beating us in a rematch of the 1906 World Series. And don’t think the Sox aren’t angling for this. Before the season ever started, they launched Jon Garland. Why would a team with Jose Contreras as its fifth starter, with two untested young pitchers in the rotation, with nobody waiting in the wings, get rid of its second or third-best pitcher? He’s an ex-Cub, that’s why. They also got rid of Aardsma. That leaves: NOBODY. Not one single ex-Cub on this whole roster—you see, the whole organization is single-minded in making sure, absolutely SURE, that if and when the World Series happens they WILL NOT be saddled with the Ex-Cubs Curse.

So. Rich Harden (we say: oh, we can’t afford a starter who doesn’t go deep), Derrek Lee (his lack of power is killing us!), and Jeff Samardzija (hate his hair). Before you say it: I’m well aware Lee is a team leader and our three hitter, that Harden has been lights out, and that Smardzija is the best prospect on the roster. You’re still missing the point. The point is: Curses. We take Crede and his bad back (throw him over at first to platoon with Daryle Ward) and maybe Clayton Richard (kid looks okay).

We want to go to war against a Cursed team, end of story.

MINNESOTA TWINS: Brendan Harris is a good start, but Craig Monroe was cut. We need to saddle the Twins with two. Given that Minnesota has won seven out of 10 and are playing their best baseball, they might be disinclined to tinker. Unless: Alfonso Soriano and Ted Lilly. That gives them a little more bang in the lineup and a crucial lefty starter. We take—again, who cares? We just sell them on the fact that Soriano and Lilly need to go.

That leaves only the ANAHEIM ANGELS in the AL WEST. Jon Garland (White Sox loss is the Angels…um…loss) and Gary Matthews, Jr. One to go. What do the Angels need? Just tell us what they need, already?

Okay, okay: take Fukudome. Why not? The Angels won’t know what hit them.

Please, all loyal fans, trust me on this one. Stay away from sports radio for the next little bit. You’ll only hear, “How can a team win with Daryle Ward hitting cleanup?” and “Does that make Jon Lieber our stopper?” A lunkhead in Lakeview will berate our new closer Bob Howry and a pansy in Portage Park will mock three-hitter Reed Johnson. Some shit-for-brains in Morris is naturally going to criticize bringing back Chad Fox, and some half-in-the-bag retiree in Rolling Meadows isn’t going to like Henry Blanco behind the plate.

Let them chatter.

We know Curses work. Billy goats, black cats, Bartman…look, this isn’t even a decision we need to defend. All the serious competition will be cursed, and we won’t. And the opposite of cursed has to be blessed.

Even when Adam Harben is pitching with the game on the line.

Donald G. Evans, author of Wrigleyville sports gambling novel Good Money After Bad, is the Lovable Losers emcee. His stories have appeared in StoryQuarterly, Pinyon Review, The Journal and Narrative Magazine, among others, and he will soon have a story appearing in the Xavier Review.