By Ric Hess

(With apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)

Hear the grumbling of the Zell
Samuel Zell
What a world of bad news
His ascendency foretells -
He’s leveraged our tomorrows
With all the cash he borrowed
Now the Cubbies are for sale
And we hear the manic wail
Of the men whose reason fails
When they jump to do the bidding of the
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
As they kiss up to the backside of the Zell

Watch him build a Jumbotron,
Samuel Zell
As he puts the Walmart logo
On the bleachers where we all go
For some beer and friendly banter
He’s the man who’d sell his mother
Or his sister or his brother
For some trinket or another
That would further line the pockets of the
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
That would bring another billion to the Zell

And what else becomes of Wrigley with the Zell?
Who will be the landlord
Of our beautiful green scoreboard
When fireworks shoot up into space
And Best Buy owns first base
With a clubhouse by Bill Gates
And a Cubbie’s pennant race
Brought to us by Sony
Or Oscar Mayer Baloney
And a perky Bud Beer pony
Who will trot around the basepaths owned by
Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell Zell
Why he’ll even sell the horseshit, that’s the Zell

Oh what will be the ending for the Zell?
What will be the story that the future holds to tell?
When he’s mortgaged every inch
And he finds he’s in a pinch -
He’ll say, “Been nice to know ya”
Move the Cubs to Arizona
Take the corner that we all know
Build the Wrigley Field Condos
Then a keening funeral knell
Will replace the magic spell
When the Cubs are forced to sell;
Do you smell that sulfur smell?
He has to dance a little faster
For the man he calls his master,
You’ve earned a special place in hell
Samuel Zell, Samuel Zell,
Keep your mitts off Wrigley Field
Samuel Zell

Ric Hess, 2008
All Rights Reserved

Ric Hess is a recent graduate of the Columbia College Fiction Department and is the co-owner of Sheffield's, an historic Chicago institution which has was bestowed this status purely at the whims of the owner and staff. Hess, who is at work on his first novel, Opening Day, set against the backdrop of Wrigley Field, will read his work at El Jardin on May 7 as part of the next Lovable Losers Literary Revue.